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Adult children are moving back home with mom and dad in record numbers these days. It’s often not the child’s choice, but rather as a result of circumstances, that parents and grown children find themselves as roommates once again.

The conditions that may force an adult child home include downsizing, divorce, the need to care for an aging parent, or money issues related to student loans or under- or unemployment. In 2010, the country’s college graduates owed an average of $25,250 in loans, according to CNN Money. That is 5 percent more than the class of 2009 owed. The unemployment rate for the 2010 class was 9.1 percent, the largest on record. Compare that to the 20.4 percent unemployment rate for people who didn’t go to college (College Access & Success Project on Student Debt, 2009).

No matter an adult child’s education level, debt loads are high and income opportunities are increasingly limited. Therefore, many adult children are moving back in with their parents out of necessity.The movement to migrate back to mom and dad’s has been a few years in the making. Bankrate.com says that three-quarters of 2008 college graduates said they actually planned to move back in with their parents after graduation. In 2006, that figure was two-thirds, which is still a staggering number(Collegegrad.com)."To a certain extent, it's a sign of the economy," says Certified Financial Planner Craig Skeels of Apex Wealth Management Group in Oxnard, Calif. "If it continues to be a prolonged recession with more cuts in jobs, we may see a lot more adult children moving back home than what we're experiencing today."The adjustment for the parents and the adult child can certainly test the relationship. Mom and dad are at a new stage of their lives now compared to when the child was living at home before. If they aren’t already retired, they are perhaps, at the very least, used to the freedom of not having children around. The adult child may have anticipated being out on their own at this point, and it could feel unnatural to be back in mom and dad’s house. The latest census figures reveal that upwards of 80 million “empty nesters” are finding themselves with at least one grown child living at home. These adult children have been referred to as the “boomerang” generation.Making the new living situation workBoth parties can make it work and even thrive if conversations and agreements occur before or at the beginning of the new living arrangement.Troublewith.com, a website of Focus on the Family, offers these tips for a smooth integration and to minimize conflict.

• Discuss the terms – The sooner that ground rules and expectations can be established from both sides, the better. This can occur even before moving day arrives. Examples include overnight guests, loud stereos, chores, meals and food.
• Don't be afraid to ask questions – How long will the child be staying in the home? Is rent or a contribution to the household expenses a reasonable request? All relationships are better with good communication.
• Maintain a healthy relationship – Every situation is different, and some are quite complicated. Here are some tips for keeping the relationship intact:
  • Trust adult children to make wise choices. We all learn by making choices. The adult child needs to have the opportunity to make their own choices, even under the parents’ roof.
  • Try not to give advice unless it is solicited from the child. This may be difficult because the parent is aware of much more of the child’s life than it he or she were living outside the home. Again, the child needs the opportunity to grow on their own even though mom and dad are close by.
  • Communication is key. Regularly discuss how the situation is going. Everyone involved should be allowed to bring up issues, clarify expectations or simply clear the air.

Negotiate issues upfront and write them down if necessary. Fox Business News suggests creating a timetable for eventual financial independence. This can begin with fiscal responsibilities in relation to the household including food, utilities and gas for the car. Ultimately, the family needs to be on the same page and working toward a common goal. Fox Business News states in a comment to the parents, “Find the right balance between offering support and taking care of yourselves. You don't need to fall back into the roles you each played during the years of active parenting –parents giving and the kids receiving. If the parents have been enjoying an empty nest, continue doing just that.”Generally, the rules for the adult child will be very different than when they were growing up. As long as the grown child acts responsibly, such as holding a job, contributing financially or helping with meal preparation and household chores, he or she deserves the same liberty to come and go as any adult.Respect for the personal boundaries and preferences of both sides is crucial to the success of this living situation. With predetermined boundaries, good communication and an agreement to revisit and, if necessary, adjust the arrangement along the way, parents and children can create a very comfortable home for all involved.

Great Expectations

Home Care is a very flexible and cost-effective way to provide a safety net in your parents’ home requiring a minimal adjustment for them in the rhythm of their daily lives.

Even though home care creates a minimal change in lifestyle for your parents, it is has a strong undercurrent of emotion and expectations for the entire family. Home care is a life transition. Having a virtual stranger coming into your home to help manage the most basic aspect of living can trigger feelings of loss and deep emotional responses.

For the senior in need of care, loss of autonomy, independence and privacy are very real. This may be piled on top of other recent losses in health and relationships. No one, in my experience, has EVER welcomed the need for home care as it is usually follows some sort of loss or series of losses.

For the family, namely, the adult children, guilt, fear and inadequacy are feelings that are very relevant and real as well. Many, if not most, adult children wish that they had the time or lived close enough to provide the care they feel their parents deserve. Fear enters in with the control and direction they lose when hiring someone to provide the care. Feelings of inadequacy can surface, especially if they had attempted to provide the care themselves and it became overwhelming.

Rest assured that these emotions are all very natural and if your are feeling any of these things it is best to acknowledge the emotions as they come to the surface. Often, it is the act of hiring outside help that brings these feelings to the forefront. If these feelings are left unaddressed they can have detrimental effects on the success of home care assistance.

Often when people are not aware of or do not want to acknowledge these intense emotions, there is a tendency to place great expectations on the caregiver placed in the home to help. No matter how hard the caregiver works, they will never be a replacement for the adult child. The caregiver is an individual with their own history and personality. They will not immediately understand every nuance and preference of your parent.

Clearly defining tasks and reviewing skill is vital to beginning this professional relationship, which most reputable home care agencies will do with an in-home assessment and a plan of care. Once the expectations are established, they should remain constant as the caregiver establishes a rapport with the family. This takes time and can be a source of anxiety for both the adult children and the parents.

The focus of the caregiver should always be on the safety and well-being of the client. Housekeeping duties can be included, but shouldn’t be at the expense of quality care.  Obvious adjustments should be made if they are not appropriate or working out as anticipated. Clearly, if a caregiver is just NOT the right personality, that should be addressed as soon as possible, but not before careful consideration. If the caregiver is competent and professional, it may help to wait a little while rather than rush into a change. Learning the temperament and rhythms of a new client takes some time. After a while, the caregiver will develop a regular routine based on these daily rhythms and will increasingly be able to anticipate situations and changes and how best to deal with them.  

In short, no one can care for your parents like you can. However, if your situation requires outside assistance, do your best to understand the limits of the professional home care relationship and guard against placing unrealistic expectations. If the home care professional provided is caring and competent, provide space and flexibility for the relationship to develop. In the end this will help both the adult child and the parent ease into this life transition with minimal discomfort.

Dementia Care

 

Nearly one-third of people over the age of 65 are hard-of-hearing while nearly 50% of people over the age of 85 suffer from some form of hearing loss. Because hearing loss is usually a gradual process that begins in one's forties, it is commonly not recognized until it is significant. It is important to be able to recognize signs of hearing loss, have it diagnosed and treated.

Symptoms of hearing loss:

• Have trouble hearing over the telephone

• Find it hard to follow conversations when two or more people are talking,

• Need to turn up the TV volume so loud that others complain,

• Have a problem hearing because of background noise,

• Sense that others seem to mumble, or

• Can't understand when women and children speak to you.

Hearing loss in seniors can lead to others mistakenly thinking that seniors are confused, difficult or apathetic. Additionally, the senior may be embarrassed by the loss and resist seeking out medical help. The inability to fully communicate can lead to frustration and isolation. The key here is communication and enlisting the following strategies to bring these seniors back into the conversation:

• Make sure that you are looking at the listener and you are in a well-lit area.

• Don't shout, this can often create increased sound distortion.

• If there are 2 or more people present, make sure that only one person is speaking at a time.

• Address them directly by saying their name before starting a conversation so they have time to focus.

• Many people with hearing loss rely on lip-reading. Keep your hands away from your mouth and avoid smoking, chewing gum or eating while talking.

• Slow down a little but not too much. A natural and unhurried rate of speech allows the hearing impaired person to capture more words, read lips and facial expressions.

• If one ear is better than the other, make sure you are directing your speech to the better ear.

• Hearing loss can include certain sound distortions. They may hear your voice but not be able to decipher certain words or pitches.

• Minimize extra noise in the environment when have a discussion, like turning the TV or dishwasher off.

• If possible, avoid having discussions in settings that may have sudden loud sounds like busy streets, near construction areas or near airports.

• Depending on the level and type of hearing loss, certain words are almost impossible to understand, try rephrasing the sentence or find a different word. Don't repeat the word or sentence over and over again.

• Avoid sudden changes of topic. When the subject is changed clearly state the new topic and look for acknowledgement before proceeding.

• Write specific information, such as appointments, directions and schedules down, if you are talking over the phone, have them repeat the information back as many words and numbers sound similar.

• Understand that illness or tiredness may affect any person's ability to follow a conversation.

• If the listener looks confused, clarify that they understood what you were saying.

The best course of action to take if you suspect hearing loss is to see a doctor as soon as possible to determine the cause and treatments available. If you suspect hearing loss in a senior that you are caring for or that you care about, remember to be compassionate about discussing the possibility of hearing loss. It is important to be supportive regarding the options and opportunity for treatment. Motivation for the decision to seek treatment should be to increase their quality of life by providing the ability to participate in all social interactions to the best of their ability.

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